"A sound grew; the whine of engines echoed up from the throat of the cave. All at once the three light-cycles shot from it like torpedoes, once more in tight formation, their riders bent low over the handlebars."

--pg. 94

Yeah! That's more like it. Sock it to me, Tron: A Novel!

It's the Birthing Process, you dig? Especially if you're giving birth to triplets. Or even more especially if you're giving birth to motorcycles made of pure light.

PROUD FATHER (Holding Baby Light-Cycle up to the light)
He's perfect. What shall we call him?

EXHAUSTED MOTHER
I don't know. Let's call him Charles. And oh by the way, I've been meaning to tell you... I had an affair with a light-cycle.

"FATHER"
Charlene! How could you?

CHARLENE
I don't know. It was just one of those things.

"FATHER"
No, I mean how is it even physically possible?

CUT TO: diagrams and schematics.

What Happens Next? The Fake Father runs off down the road, hoboing from train to train up to Eugene, Oregon where he goes granola: grows his hair, goes barefoot, eats his weight in leafy greens daily like a lowland gorilla. Two years after his ex Charlene gave birth to that Light-Cycle The Fake Father (whose name is Yusef, by the way-- Yusef Jackson) finds love again: a beautiful strawberry blonde named Jasmine who wears her hair tied in a Renaissance Knot-- The Mother Charlene takes her baby light-cycle and vows to raise it right, with or without the Light-Cycle father, that digital lothario-- The Baby Light-Cycle Grows Into A Teenage Light-Cycle Who Excels At Sports (Especially Track) Charlene gets a good job dealing BlackJack at the local Casino and marries her pit-boss Jaron, a violent red-faced man who pounds fist-sized holes in the fake wood lining the walls of their trailer-- The Teenage Light-Cycle feels different from his peers, alienated from the other kids at school... The Teenage Light-Cycle starts spending more and more time hanging out in The Parking Lot next to Mr. Johansen The Chemistry Teacher's Motorcycle... The Teenage Light-Cycle starts to get strange tingly feelings down there and eight months later Charles The Teenage Light-Cycle takes Mr. Johansen's Motorcycle (a cute little number named Melinda) to the prom and nine months after that, Charles The Teenage Light-Cycle is a father of triplets, three tiny light-cycles, all with his eyes.

Tron Is In The House

HALLELUJAH!





Aye, I have found my copy of Tron: A Novel by Brian Daley Based On A Screenplay by Steven Lisberger * Story by Steven Lisberger and Bonnie MacBird" First Edition: June 1982!

Special Guest Star: Star Man

Do not be alarmed, Ladies & Gentlemen, but I seem to have misplaced my copy of "Tron: A Novel by Brian Daley Based On A Screenplay by Steven Lisberger * Story by Steven Lisberger and Bonnie MacBird" First Edition: June 1982... it's around here somewhere... I'm sure it will turn up.

In the meantime, here's a Special Tide-You-Over Tidbit from "Starman: A Novel by Alan Dean Foster from The Screenplay by Bruce A. Evans & Raymond Gideon" First Edition: December 1984:

"Observing the verbal byplay, the starman decided it would be a propitious time for a display of politeness. Recalling his last polite parting he extended his middle finger of his right hand, as he'd seen the trucker at the service station do, and smiled broadly at Donnie-Bob and friends.
"Up Yours."
Already luckless and buckless, the hunter's eyes nearly popped out of his head as he went from furious to near incoherent. "I'm gonna kill that sumbitch!"
--pgs 155-156

Oh, starman... you cannot fill the void in my heart left by my copy of "Tron: A Novel by Brian Daley Based On A Screenplay by Steven Lisberger * Story by Steven Lisberger and Bonnie MacBird" First Edition: June 1982... try as you might... Alan Dean Foster, I'm sorry, buddy... I've enjoyed some of your work in the past, but brother, this stuff is rough... although I like that luckless and buckless. It's like the hunter's shit out of luck but in a real Southern Down-Home kinda way. Yeehaw!

Could the Tron book make me Yeehaw? Could be a point in Starman's favor. 100% on the Yeehaometer. But now will I be consciously wondering, watching and waiting for the Yeehaw every time I flip open my Tron Book? Oh, Starman! You have polluted my Tronful Waters!

I hunt for The Tron Book... I have become The Hunter. I cannot find The Tron Book. I am luckless and buckless, going from furious to near incoherent.

WILL A.G. FIND THE TRON BOOK? IS COLONEL MONTOYA'S SISTER REALLY POSING AS THE POPE? CAN CLEOPATRA THE DANCING CHIMPANZEE GET OVER HER FEAR OF WATER IN TIME FOR THE BIG BEACH PARTY? STAY TUNED!

Get Your Tron On

"Flynn glanced sharply to the other User-Believer as he passed Ram, curious about the legendary User-Champion. A tall figure stood there; Flynn got his first good look at Tron."
--pg. 82

"Sark stared up wrathfully at the door. 'The Tower Guardian is helping him, he thinks!' Sark hissed. He turned and commanded a lieutenant, 'Bring the logic probe!'"
--page 125

I'm so tired I don't know whether to scream, cry or vomit. I could use some help from The Tower Guardian. Tower Guardian, take me away!

ME
So, uh... nice tower you've got here.

TOWER GUARDIAN (proudly)
Hey, thanks. I guard it myself, you know.

ME
Really. Well, uh... you want to go grab a beer?

TOWER GUARDIAN (shakes head negative)
Can't do it. Gotta guard The Tower.

ME
Yeah, I hear ya. (pause) Listen, I'm just going to lay it on the line. I need some sleep-- that's all-- just an hour or so of sweet, sweet slumber. Let me into The Tower for an hour. I don't need Maid Service-- I can fluff my own pillow. Can you dig it?

TOWER GUARDIAN
If I let you in, then I'd have to let everybody in. Then what kind of Tower Guardian would I be?

ME
Fine, forget it. (plops down on curb, holds head in hands, tries not to cry)

TOWER GUARDIAN
Hey, hey. Don't cry. Tell you what I'll do. You can have this. (presents a metal sphere covered in blinking lights.)

ME
Wow, my very own logic probe!

TOWER GUARDIAN
That's right! Go on, ask it a question.

ME
Logic Probe, should I go back to sleep, wake up again and start the day fresh?

LOGIC PROBE
All Signs Point To Yes.

A Note On The Methodology

AGP, I hear you asking, Tron is a Mighty Tome. How do you ferret out the choicest tidbits?

Ah, a fair question, Gentle Reader. Here's how I work it:

First, I contemplate. This might be something as specific as a Magic 8-Ball style question ("Why am I so Happy today?" or "Why so Glum, chum?") or something as amorphous as "Ah, spring..." Then, I reach for the ol' Tron book (pictured above: not my copy) and flip it open at random. Without looking, my finger finds a passage. I then read the passage. If nothing stirs brainwise, then I flip again. I repeat as necessary until the perfect synergy of Tron Prose and Mental State occurs and brilliant diamonds begin forming in the mind. I then share those diamonds with you and yours. Merry Christmas!

Why the Novelization of Tron? Because no matter what colored lens you use when you look at The World, it's still The World. Word Up, Aw Yeah.

"Outside the Game Grid for the first time, Flynn found himself riding for his life through a fantastic landscape of glowing walls, modular shapes, and darting vector lines. He was not unhappy."
--pg. 88

Happiness is riding for your life through darting vector lines... although being 'not unhappy' is not the same as 'being happy.' You're not unhappy; you're tired, hungry, confused... not exactly happy, but not exactly unhappy, either.

'How are you?'
'Well, I'm not unhappy. And yourself?'
'Of course you're not unhappy. Look at those glowing walls! Dig those modular shapes! And look at those vector lines: how they dart about! Why, that's enough to turn anyone's frown upside down!'

Simpsons: "That's a smile, not an upside-down frown."

"Dillinger suddenly felt weak, weary. 'It's my fault,' he told himself as well as the MCP.* 'I programmed you to want so much.' As I do, he finished silently, staring out at the city.
--page 30

*Master Control Program

Buddhists believe in the Four Noble Truths:
1) Suffering exists
2) Suffering arises from attachment to desires
3) Suffering ceases when attachment to desire ceases
4) Freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the Eightfold Path.

The Eightfold Path is:
Right View
Right Thought
Right Speech
Right Action
Right Livelihood
Right Effort
Right Mindfulness
Right Contemplation

Note that programming a supercomputer to desire World Domination is not part of the Eightfold Path.

Does this mean Dillinger is suffering? Yes. Is there hope for him, for you, for all of us? Yes. Write your local Political Representative and demand they spearhead construction on a new kind of supercomputer: a supercomputer that runs on Buddhist Artificial Intelligence.

Sample Program follows:

10 Run "Quiet Contemplation"
20 GoTo 10

"The air was filled with the noises of the diverse machines. Their scoring tones sounded, and the challenges and taunts some of them threw at their human competitors. The beeps and deep tones of victory and defeat came endlessly. Death knells and dirges sounded as players lost a last spaceship or tank; explosions, warp drives, six-guns, missiles, energy beams, all to the constant tapping of firing buttons. There was the rapid working of controls of all types: steering wheels, lever-grips, joysticks, foot pedals, and periscopes."

-- page 41 (emphasis mine)

Can you relate? Can you relate to the beeps of victory and the deep tones of defeat? Have you lost your last spaceship?

Rapidly work your periscope and know this: you are not alone.

"THAT OTHER WORLD is vast, too; to its inhabitants, their System is limitless."